This is Why You Lose Interest

If you’ve ever felt guilty or confused about losing interest in a new relationship/hookup this post is for you.

“Why do I always lose interest in a girl right away?”

Today’s post is inspired by a question someone posted yesterday. The author was genuinely worried about why he’s been dating a succession of girls and losing that ‘spark’ with them almost immediately.

Sometimes it even happens right after sex, and all you can think about is when is this girl going to get out of here?

Other times, you’ve been dating for awhile (months even) and you feel yourself slowly losing interest and becoming apathetic towards your woman (or man). Even when in your head you know they’re great.

Sounds rough, heartless maybe but you’re probably nodding your head thinking of a time when you had just the same feelings.

Let me tell you that it doesn’t make you a lousy person. We simply just need to unpack a bit more of ourselves and take a look at why this phenomenon is occurring.

The gentleman that authored the post had been crushed by a previous ex. He was heavily invested in the relationship and cared about her deeply. Ultimately she left abruptly.

**Side note** rarely do women do things ‘abruptly’ it just seems that way if you’ve been missing the signs/subcommunications she’s been giving to you. But that’s a discussion for another time.

His dating life since his ex has been a succession of short ‘lose interest right away’ kind of encounters. To be clear, there is nothing inherently wrong with this if it’s what you are looking for.

But our author was conflicted, he was genuinely trying to figure out why he has these feelings of apathy. And that’s fucking fantastic.

The reason behind this type of reaction is almost always the need and search for external validation.

A fairly simple concept indeed, but when applied to individuals the rabbit hole into your psyche can go quite deep. Often it’s a place many never thought to look.

If you use dating and sex with someone as a source of validation, meaning you feel better about yourself if someone likes you or wants to be with you, then you will never have a fulfilling dating life.

The feelings of content and safety (and love) must come from within. This is much easier said than done my friend.

Because it feels good when pretty girls are nice to us.

Most guys find the “seduction” community because there is a lack of sex and dating in their life and as a logical male they figure their must some ‘instructions’ on how to get more girls.

Fair enough, but this is almost NEVER the whole story.

We want to learn seduction and dating because deep down we believe we won’t be worth a damn unless we can get an attractive woman.

Onto the hamster wheel of validation we go. We meet and attract girls, then once they have ‘validated us’ (ie they actually like us and are nice to us, or have sex with us etc.) we lose interest shortly there after. Sometimes VERY shortly.

Again, this behavior is actually more common in women, but let's stick with our author.

The reason this happens over and over again, is because if you do not love yourself fully, you can never receive enough validation.

It’s a never-ending search if you need an external person to make you feel ok about yourself. And trust me friend, it’s not a thirst you can quench by dating more girls or by dating insanely hot girls, or whatever fantasy you have.

The answer to his problem lies within. It’s an internal imbalance that needs to be addressed.

I’m not saying he or anyone else is broken, but to improve our relationships we MUST be aware of this dynamic within ourselves. Only then do we have the opportunity to improve it.

So how do we do this? I have no background in psychology, so my advice is purely anecdotal. I’m just a guy that travels around, dates a bunch, and works.

But I do have a few resources for you that are far more qualified. If any of the above has resonated with you, I urge you to firstly check out Teal Swan. She has a lot of free vids and interviews online, and here is her book

Another book I love (it’s a short 1 hour read max) is “Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It”. Where Teal is far more serious and intense, this is a great little intro book to this process.

Another great video to watch is this one by Arthur Moore. Trust me it’s an entertaining and thought provoking piece of film.

I hope those resources are helpful on the journey towards self love (and our goal of ultimately not needing the validation these short term encounters can provide).

Unfortunately my time is up and I can’t get to the issue of ‘losing interest in a longer term relationship’, if you guys like this post I will write the follow-up tomorrow.

To conclude, the above was intentioned simply as a means to draw your awareness to something that MIGHT be occurring in your dating life. For some it’s applicable and the truth, for others it might not be that relevant. I hope that it helps someone.


Bryce @ SRM